New Years Eve gonna kick-ass

I have to say, New Years has been the only holiday not to hurt me yet lol.

I can't wait for tonight, skating with Casey, Kelly, and Celeste.

Then possibly sonny's house if i can get ahold of him.... maybe isaac will come and we can have another nerf gun fight!!!! (hopefully ike won't spend his time lighting his gas like last time.... lol)

But until then.. I'm here at work, woohoo. Gonna go work on the whole triplet thing on drums (right, left, bass, right, left, bass, rinse repeat.) I can do it fast enough.. but it takes me a while to work up to that.

How is everyone!?!?!?! cause i'm fantastic!

getting sloppy

Bla, I need to practice more guitar, and drums.

I mean seriously, I work in a music store, why am i not amazing??? lol

Any suggestions on cool songs to learn, i need more influences.

Life is pretty awesome, mom's happy, I'm happy, dog's... happy (?) (well who wouldn't be when the only responsibility you have is eating sleeping and chasing a ball.)

Pretty aggravated at the court system though, jen needs to come down.

I may be moving to arkansas.

Smells like dental.... and Nazi

So everyone, I recommend you go see The Spirit.

Hilarious in a cheesy way... the title of my blog... yeah, its actually a line in the movie. ha. ha... giggle.. giggle... gasp.... HA! giggle giggle.

So besides Samuel L. Jackson's obsession with eggs and his cat muffin (friggan hilarious!), talked about Britney Spears's inspiration for her "womanizer" song "she must have came up with it while shaving her head" -quote of myself


So yeah, sour lifesavers, the spirit, and crazy pop singers.... it was a good day.

Work. Strained Muscles. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Ha, so I worked from 10-8 today.

Helped Stephanie break down all the Christmas stuff.

Taught myself some Cello.

Sold the Valveking full stack.

Listened to some random people play guitar and drums, it was entertaining and pretty random.

Elissa texted me wondering if Casey was my girlfriend. (cause everyone seems to think so)

Casey came to work (go figure lol).

Almost perfected that one stupid drum roll.

Watched some house and family guy at Casey's after treating everyone to dairy queen.

Learned to like Diet Mountain Dew.

Took a shower, and while headbanging to dry my hair i pulled a muscle or something in my chest, and now it hurts to breathe.....

What's worse is that I still find it funny, and it hurts to laugh lol.

Now after I had some left over ribs, I'm watchin some fresh-prince. Yay the 90's... good times good times.

Goodnight world, 'twas a good day.

New project

So I'm now going to post the lyrics of whatever song I'm learing to sing and play. I guess it'll keep me on track.


Project #1

John Mayer- Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But i know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But i know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But i know the heart of life is good.
I know it's good.

This world...

Is made of hypocrites and liars.

Because something someone says is bad, doesn't make it necessarily wrong. If you are a liar, and someone calls you a liar, sure that might be a bad thing to say, but its the truth.

The ones who call someone a liar, they are hypocrites, otherwise they wouldn't recognize a lie. The ones who say its a bad thing to say are naive.

With experience comes hypocrocy and truth, from naivity is lies and unintentional deception.

You can never amount to anything more than another statistic, and by the path your choosing, it seems your going to end up on the side of bad examples. It amuses me because I was never the one to blame, and I've been right this whole time.

Reality hits, and it hits hard, hopefully some of your friends will be there when you fall cause I'm not sure I will.

So...

Merry fucking christmas world.

The holidays don't seem to bring me anything but suffering.

I think I'm going to cancel my birthday this year... don't want anything else going wrong.

Skating gladiators climbing a wall

Ha so Celeste, Casey, Me, and Casey's brother and sister all went skating today at the skate center place.

Pretty fun, but there was this one kid wearing green that was being a prick.... he'd try and trip you and I went behind him, laughed and said "Do it to me, I'll kick you in the face." Laughed again, and rolled off. I found it kinda humorous cause I was staring at him until he left.

Anyway, they had this area of fun and amazingness.... which cost $3 and consisted of the gladiator area(?), the rock climbing wall, and the Velcro Wall. I beat the crap out of Celeste (see picture), almost broke my neck on the Velcro Wall, and "friggan shot up the side of the rock climbing wall (casey)."

Made fun of Fuzzy Navals and Belly Buttons.

and yeah.... thats basically it... Skating is fun and I think we're goin to the new year's skate thing.

Sonny and Sam

So I'm really glad that two of my awesome friends are now engaged.

Kinda envious though, but I guess that's expected from a lot of people.

Makes me miss what I had, lol plans never work out for me. :/

But yeah, CONGRATS SAM AND SONNY!

I better be an usher. lol

Socks at Food Lion

Ok, So today was pretty cool.

Slept in, went with Casey, Erin, and my mom to dinner and a movie (mom's laugh......).

Then as we were heading home Celeste texted me asking what I was doing tomorrow, I told her work, but then said we should all hang out tonight.

So we decided to go skating..... (Celeste being the person she is... neglects to bring socks.)

So I run into food lion yelling "Don't laugh, this is a serious question.... Do you guys sell socks."

So $3.59 later and an awkward conversation with the cashier.. I have her blue socks.

We get to the skating place, and the guy gives us free passes cause go figure, its closed on sundays after 6...

Celeste being the person she is... again. Suggests the mall.. woohoo! (After suggesting Ireland and Canada, of course)

So we go to the mall, run around a while, stalk a random guy, and decide to buy some pajamas.

"Let's have a pajama party in Shane's car!" -Celeste

We get dressed in Barnes and Noble. Then we all load up in the car again and head off to Best buy to perform our first song as a band on the conveniently placed electric drum set, guitar, and mic.

Of course Celeste is off in her own little world drumming, Casey is singing jingle bells, and I'm singing and playing Slow Dancing In A Burning Room.

After Celeste begs us to leave best buy (the best place in the world), we head to get coffee (speaking of which I got celeste her "christmas present", the one eyebrowed dear)

We take some pics and videos in the car on the way back to celestes.

But i think we're goin to the New years skate party, it seems like it'll be pretty cool.

Pretty good day before tomorrow. Who's gonna visit me?

Medication, Metaphors, and poems

Hearts keep you alive, yes. But they are also the worlds metaphor for love and good feeling.

You say to the people you love, that they'll always have a place in your heart, because we've been taught that that is our epicenter of love. So it would make sense to keep the ones you care for there, or at least their memory.

I believe that our heart is capable of emotion in itself. Yeah of course its our brain, but we are directly effected in our hearts when something happens to stir said emotions.

Our heartbeat was synchronized,
Feelings the same.
The cadence of good feeling,
and I'm the one to blame.

I tried to hit my drum harder,
Tried to force out the rain.
Instead I broke it,
Leaving the lasting pain.

Taped it up as best as I could,
I got used to the sound.
You tried to repair it,
But I kept my ground.

Our heartbeat still synchronized,
Though mine needing repair.
I tried my best to keep up,
But It started to tear.

I told you to move forward,
While I fixed what I could.
For its hard to keep up,
When the drum is no good.

I salvaged what I could,
And was on my way.
But when I looked up,
My place was given away.

You had skipped a beat,
Saw an opportunity and jumped ahead.
I sped up,
Trying to catch up to you instead.

I now practice in the rain,
To match what I had.
But its pointless these days,
Because the rain makes me so sad.

December 22nd

Last year, my dad died on December 21st at roughly 11:56 pm.


The nurse got there past 12, so his death was declared on my mom's birthday.


The 22nd is Monday, and I'd appreciate some hugs or something... its going to be a rough day, I'll be at work from 10-8 please, someone stop by.

House?

So, normally after work I go to Casey's and we chill and watch recorded episodes of house.

And I've come to realize that "auto-immune," "tumor," "infection," and "cancer," are favorites in House's diagnostic process.

Its kind of humorous in a way... Cameron is always the one to mention Auto-Immune. House is the one who says infection.

Anyway... its still a pretty cool show.

5 weeks in boston

So, yesterday I got a letter in the mail about Berklee's summer program.

I would spend 5 weeks in Boston, studying jazz and music composition.

The only problem is its $7000.

But I'm going to start my application today, I'm pretty much guaranteed in just from experience and I'm pretty excited.

The only problem with great days is your tired when its all over

So today was the DECA marketing competition.

I went to school, we got on a bus at about 8:50.

Mr. Kelly drove.... lol

He treated us to IHOP. Bill = $125

We get there and I just chill with Katelyn, Trey Seneff, and Trey Washburn until it was my turn for the first competition scenario.

I was entered into Retail Marketing by the way. In the DECA contest, you are put through scenarios in which the judge will, well, judge you on how well you can act in a given situation with limited preparation time. There are 2 judges per category and each will judge you on a different scenario

First Scenario:
I'm owner of an 85 store mall. I must convince a reluctant store owner (my judge) to participate in a promotional project that involves getting 6 stamps from different stores to get 20% off a purchase.

I do great, I even stumped my judge by trying to get details about her store. I tell her that her store may lose money if she doesn't use the promotion to her advantage and decorate her store to draw customers away from the stamp and towards her best selling products. But nonetheless it will benefit her greatly.


Second Scenario:
I'm manager of the night shift of a small bookstore. I must convince the owner of the store that the profit will outweigh the expenses should we purchase the lot next to us that used to be a restaraunt.

This one was difficult. The judge wanted to hear how i could figure out the outcome before we did the big project. I told him a story of a presidential election in which someone who supported one of the candidates, sold color coded peanuts (blue for democrat and red for republican) to the people of america, the ones that sold the most represented who would become president.

I told him to make a minor change, and offer it to the usual customers, and see if they were ok with something new. He liked the idea. Then I explained how the expenses will be big to start, but in the long run, we could put in a cafe and use the "ex-restaurant" building to our advantage, then we could put a children's area in. Parents could volunteer to read to children, and the other parents could rome about the bookstore buying stuff.


That also went over great.


Kelly, Katelyn, Me, and the two Treys went down to the sports bar and chilled for a few hours awaiting the award ceremony.

There was a huge amount of awards being given out, but the only way you could get to states was if you get first place overall. There was about 15-20 people i guess per category.

Now here comes the part I liked.

I won 3rd in sales, 3rd in comprehension, 2nd in some other small category thing, and then I won first overall. So technically I won 1st 2nd and 3rd in my category.

But i get to go to states, and i think thats in Norfolk. Wish me luck.

Dreams

Are symbolic unto yourself.



They're the only place you can be truly honest with your own person.



This world is a world bent for destruction, a world of sin and chaos.



In dreams it is you alone, and events of influence.



They alter depending on your true perception of what is happening, or what happened.



Until recently, I haven't dreamt or remembered a dream in over a year.



I was fine with who i was, I didn't need any confirmation cause I've always been honest with myself.



My dreams show me now what i seek, what i really long for.



I would be ridiculed just because of my present situation, so I will not express these with you.

"Some things in life never stop. The cycle of water never stops flowing through the air and clouds and ground. The stars and planets never stop spinning around the sun. The wind never stops blowing, it just goes somewhere else. These things, we know these things just happen. There's no logic, no rhyme or reason, it just goes somewhere else. And just like the stars are constantly in motion and the wind just changes where it decides to dance, my love for you will never stop growing. It is one of the strange mysterious facts of life that can't quite be explained, but nonetheless, you have to just accept it and put your faith into it. I love you, and I always will........ I know we each have our own 'wind' that chooses to dance for a certain time or to a place, but know this; wherever our winds take us, gentle breezes or tornados that try to destroy our lives together, I refuse to give up. I won't let go."

This is one of my driving forces, it influences me and my dreams. And now you know, let the ridicule, and pain begin.... again.

I'll float by on the tranquil planes, as I watch the tornado come and destroy. I will no longer jump in its path, for in that I will change. I will give up, I will no longer persue my dreams, hopes, or ambitions. That is not my nature, so I will sit, and watch, and just hope other winds i know haven't been dragged into this vortex of torture and deception.

Maybe their dreams will tell them where they are, for if they live off the perceptions of other people, they will be destroyed without awareness.

Thunderstorms on the radio, we still sleep soundly.

Make a wish

Every night i seem to look at the clock at exactly 11:10.

It reminds me of "11:11." You know, make a wish.

I miss that "11:11" thing, I wonder who still appreciates that besides me.

The Art of Researching

So I've been putting off this research paper.

It's supposed t be 6 pages long.

I tend to make things as brief as possible.

Also I have this problem of summarizing everything pretty much as basic as possible when it comes to objective things.

I wrote the entire history of guitar starting at the lute in under 3 pages... Now its time for the bull-shitting.

Los videos juegos

So, I realized today i only play those one player video games if I'm depressed.

Halo, Smash Bros, Double dash, and things that you can have a group play, yeah i'll play those anytime someone else can do it, too.

But as for things like Final Fantasy, or Oblivion. I noticed that over the past 4 years of my life, since i moved here, i've only played after a tragedy.

Tragedy 1:

I moved here. No offence to virginians, but virginia kinda blows. Its slow paced, and boring.
I got into video games, I didnt have many friends. So i just isolated myself, thinking I wasn't good enough really, or that i'd just be wasting other people's time. I had lost my girlfriend, and a few best friends because of moving.....

Tragedy 2:

I'm failing classes again. I lack motivation. Everything I try to do seems to just blow up in my face.

Tragedy 3:

My dad dies. This one really screws me over. I torture myself and the people around my by lack of motivation, i try and i try, but i can't pull myself away, its like a drug. and i apologize.

Tragedy 4:

Her....

I can't believe it took me this long to figure out what I do when i'm depressed. I mean, i dont cut, i have recently, but i dont know. I'm pretty sane, but I guess instead of how a lot of people will work out, cut themself, cry, or isolate themself.... I just do all of it.

When it enters another day of depression, i feel like I'm worthless. I workout to try and put some self confidence in myself. As the day progresses I play games, anything to get my mind off of what's going on. Then i feel like i want to hang out with some friends, but i never bring myself to dial phone numbers. When the day is almost over, i just cry, i have cut before, and it actually does make your body release a chemical that calms you. So when you told me "every drop of blood seems to be a dissappearing problem," you were right, at least medically. But nonetheless, i still hate cutting, whether or not i can be a hypocrite.

To be

If to breathe in is to inadvertently exhale then:

To make a promise is to lie.

To be bound is to know of freedom.

To be intelligent is to know of stupidity.

To forgive is to be sorry.

To be mature you must recognize children.

To take the high road you must know the low road exists.

Avenged Sevenfold Live!!!

So I needed this day, it was by far the best day I've had in a long long time.

We left Alex's house at roughly 12:50. And listened to music for a few hours while we drove to Alex's friend, Katherine's house.

We went out to eat at this "bubonic" (as tk calls it) mexican restaurant.

Met Katherine's cool friend, Ashley.

Went to the concert.

Saving Able was playing as we came in, they kinda blew. Katherine and Ashley had different tickets so Alex, Tk, and I took off our green wristbands to sneak them down to the floor.

When shinedown came on, we pushed our way to about 30ft from the stage, and people were like "wtf?"

Shinedown was pretty cool, creepy singer but still cool. Made us jump around, which caused me to basically rape the person in front of me, and alex rape me from behind.

Then came A7X. It was fuckin amazing, they started with Critical Acclaim of course.
Ashley grabbed my hand and made me touch this rather large ass of a women on the ass.....

Then there was a bunch of crowd surfing, and near the end, Alex and Ryan picked me up and started me through the crowd, it was awesome.

People were just pushing me to the front, and I kicked some lady in the head. Then they through me over the security gate, so I was within touching distance of Synyster Gates, M. Shadows, and Zacky V.

But the security made me walk back.

Then came buckcherry, and the guy looked like he was wearing a spedo.... so we left.

We're now at Katherine's house 4 hours later. I'm sitting on the floor, while they are all on the futon talking about how it smells funny.

Alex and Tk are by far the best friends anyone can have. They dont judge you, and make fun of you in humor, not in vengeance. Somehow we compared Tk to Barack Obama, Slavery, and Eggs. lol

Uniqueness

No single person that has ever existed, was the same. And for that reason:

No one will be able to be there for you like the last person, they may always be there regardless, or you may not mean as much to them as you thought and they'll abandon you.

No one will kiss you the same way. Their fingers won't run from your neck to your chin as they pull you closer with the look of passion and love in their eyes.

No one will hold your hand quite the same way. Firm enough to know they're there, loose enough to feel the gentleness.

No one will hug the same way. Not only in the physical, but wrapping your existance around their entire being to just make you feel welcome and safe.

No one will comfort you the same way. With one hand around you, and the other holding your head in their chest while you wet their shirt with tears and they wet your forehead with kisses.

Some may care more, some may care less, some may care too much, some not at all. They'll love you, they'll hate you, they'll remain indifferent.

Don't take the now for now, because time changes as people do, you gain, you lose, you gain again, you lose again.

You will never be able to relive any second, and that's as fast as it's going to end. Love deeply, forgive and forget, give second chances, because they can't relive what they did either.

Turkey day

So dad isn't here, so i can never have those amazing thanksgiving muffin things he used to make.

Nor his great turkey.

Everything had a secret recipe, this is all new.

There's only 3 of us now...

It was a boring but normal day.

Happy thanksgiving Devin, Mack, Rita, Dan, Hannah, Kelly, Casey, Christian, Mel, TK, Alex, and I hope your havin a good day up there too, Dad.

Worship with jeremy

Today Christian convinced me to go with him to see his friend Jeremy's band play for a worship service.

It was freakin amazing, james, christian, and i were up front like screaming jumping around, laying on the floor, then jumping around again singing to everything.

It was seriously, the best i've felt in a long long long time.

just lettin you guys know :D

Seriously, you dont even know

All of you think you know what I've been through, you compare losing a potato chip to a family member, let me put my experience in detail so you can fully grasp how i feel before you say anything. Let me tell you what it's like in the last 4 months of losing your father to lung cancer. Maybe some of you idiots will at least stop smoking.

Everyday you come home, you wonder if your dad is still breathing. When you walk into his room, he's just asleep, with an oxygen tank over his face. You long for the few moments you can catch him awake, because he's so high on morphine that he only comes out of his chomatosis once every 10 days. Even when he is awake, he's either hallucinating, he forgets who you are, he forgets where or why he is the way he is, or he's crying in pain or realization that he's dying.

You're up untill 2 in the morning every night, holding his hand as he weeps and tells you he isn't ready to die. You try to tell him you'll be ok, that everything will be fine, because we're at the point where we just want it all to stop, we can't stand to see him suffer. but it continues....

You wake up during the 4 hours of sleep to hear him moaning in pain, you hear a scream, and then fast paced breathing. You're used to it by now, but that doesn't matter, you check on him.

The sleeping continues longer, so do the crying fits. Every evening you go to your room alone and hold your head in your hands praying to God to take all the pain from him, then you feel bad cause your praying that your own father will die, but it isn't like that.

Your family is put on shifts to watch over him, because your mom hasn't slept in 3 days. When your with him, he'll gasp to signify something, because he's now lost the ability to talk. You cant have a heart felt conversation of how much you'll miss him, or how much he'll miss you. You can just sit there, and do whatever you can to try and figure out what he needs.

A few more days go by, so far he's lost the ability to walk, talk, and now see. When you walk in the room, he seems kind of scared because he doesn't know if death is a physical being of sorts who actually comes to relinquish you from your pain and take your soul to your destination. You tell him its you, and he tries to say hi, then he just shrinks back into his "at home hospital bed" to await the next dose of morphine.

Some days he'll be able to talk, and some of those days he loses his self control. He seems like he hates everyone, and is just mad at you for being there. But he just doesn't know better, he's lost control of his emotions, and he'll yell, and threaten, but all you can do is say, "i'm here, do you need anything?" then you get to go back to sitting and sulking.

He's in a choma again, he hasn't woken up for about a week. The hole family is down awaiting the inevitable. Then finally, one day it happens. You stay up until the nurse declares your father dead, and your happy that he isn't suffering, and you're relieved that your mother can rest.

The next day you call your significant other to tell her the news. You visit her, you cry on her shoulder. She's been with you throughout the hole thing, and your just glad this wasn't the other way around, because you would never want to see her in that much pain.

Life continues for a while......

Then you lose your dog to cancer as well, your best friend who has been there since you were five. Gone 3 days before your birthday, you go back to your significant other, and you cry some more.

Life drags on....

You're still depressed, and the only way you can fix it is to lose everything and prioritize your life. When you let go of the significant other, you tell her you'll be back, you'll be back to hold her and kiss her soon enough, you say "just let me figure this out."

She doesn't believe you'll be back, or she just wants to hurt you, but she goes for your best friend. He says yes. And it all gets worse.

I have my first mental breakdown, she doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to look at me.

My best friend tells me i just need to get over my dad dying, if it were so easy to get over, i would've done it a while ago to save myself from this situation. He also tells me that she never loved me, and that I used her, and manipulated her. when really, i've been there for her just as much as she has for me, even this, i did for her, for us.

She starts to hate me, she doesn't believe me when i say i care, she doesnt believe my true intentions. She just sees me as some stalker, some person who hurt her, and used her.

I did break her heart, i know, she is still tearing at mine. but like i said, i've never used her, nor am i stalking her.

So here I am, on the verge of some divine self-destruction, all because i'm trying to do the right thing. I can't say i'm sorry enough, I will gladly forget all this when its resolved.

So before you say you know what i'm going through, you've been there, or i'm over-reacting. Go diagnose your father with cancer then tell your loved ones to do everything in there power to break your heart. Then we can talk about how you understand.

Would you even flinch.

It went from good, to normal, to horrible. I couldn't go to the show yesterday, because dev and mack were there. Not only that, but exactly a year ago from yesterday, was the same show. I almost wasn't able to go to that because my dad was slowly dying. I guess, for two years straight, I've cried throughout November.

• Yesterday, I go home after school.
• I pick up my Mom to bring her back to work.
• She tells me not to give Devin her Christmas present.
• I go home to train my puppy.
• After that, I go to pick up Alex from school.
• Then I go to his neighbor's house for voice.
• I go back to Alex's to play some music and smash bros.
  
• I pick up my Mom to go home
• I get my senior picture proofs in the mail
  
• We fight, she cries because she lost her husband, and I'm tearing myself apart.
• I'm breaking down on the inside.
• I almost text Devin saying "talk to me, or I drive this car into a tree." In which she probably wouldn't even flinch at the thought of my death, so it would've been pointless, because I really was going to do it.
  
• I'm getting worse.
• I go back to Alex's, and almost get in 2 car wrecks from my mental state.
• I play music, I play games, I do anything to get you off my mind.
• Then I break out my computer, and just talk to people, to spread this load I carry as to not make it so much of a burden.

Let's see if today is any better....

SATs

So I got a 1100 out of 1600 on my SAT's

I guess thats pretty good, but mack owes me $5.

Cause he got a 1070 and he made a bet before the test "I bet $5 I'll score higher than you."

Wednesday

I changed my voice lessons to friday so I can go back to church on wednesday.

I had to drum, it was fun, but i didn't do too hot.

Everyone got into it though.

Worship was great, devin went over and hit the "spaztic light" button, and all the lightst started going on and off.

I look over and there she is singing along with that goofy grin i love so much.

But anyway. I have sonny drum the last song, and i go to my guitar, and go figure, string is broken...

So i decide to just start dancing on stage.

Anywho, wednesdays are great. church is great. drumming is fun, and guitar strings blow.

Hoodoo

Come into my life

Regress into a dream

We will hide

And build a new reality

Draw another picture

Of the life you could have had

Follow your instincts

And choose the other path

You should never be afraid

You're protected

From trouble and pain

Why

Why is this a crisis in your eyes again

Come to be

How did it come to be

Tied to a railroad

No love to set us free

Watch our souls fade away

And our bodies crumbling

Don't be afraidI will take the blow for you

I've had recurring nightmares

That I was loved for who I am

And missed the opportunity

To be a better man

Flash Flood

You dont realize how hard it is for me to realize my hand once touched yours, your lips once grazed mine.

Our eyes got lost in each others. Our minds as one on an plane of seemingly eternal bliss.

But bitterness set in. A storm came, and we were both lost at sea.

Same circumstance, different apparent location.

I decided to wait to see if you'd show. You swam to be rescued.

I have drown at sea, i've drown at sea.

If only I could've swam as well, maybe i'd at least find myself in the same boat as you.

Today went.. well. ok for once :)

Today was the best Sunday i've had in the past couple months.

I didn't even look at her today, which i'm proud of myself for.

Casey was there to distract me.

Plus i'm getting all this praise from my drumming at church lol. Which I believe wasn't even that great.

After church, Casey and I got pizza and went to Alex's.

SO.... It was basically a 7 hour jam sesssion with Tk, Alex, John Don, Me, and Travis.

And it was also the first time i've had Curry. Pretty good stuff, especially with white rice.

But yeah, anyway, i'm good, how are you? And I really liked the message from church, I should remember to tell PT about that.

The message

Seriously everyone, why would i do this?

I dont know her email or password

I dont want any more trouble

If I had the motivation to go out of my way to go onto her myspace, get into her survey things, then send it to myself, couldn't i just do more damage and send some message to her "lover."

I wouldnt make a new myspace to escape from her, then send myself a message that would give my new myspace away, and bring up more trouble.

Its kinda funny in the fact that I'm getting blamed for it, when it couldn't possibly be me, i want this solved, not to escalate further. seriusly, people. Use your brains.

My decision

You will no longer be the deciding factor in my daily life.

I wont bend over to avoid you, nor to please you.

But i'll be here for you when you need me.

You say that he'll never love you as much as you love him.

I could say the same for the way we were.

You will never need me as much as I need you.

But, like I said. You won't be my deciding factor. Talk to me when you decide to grow up and act your age.

I'm going to MY church, and you will cease to exist as far as I'm concerned.

I've done nothing to you except tell you the truth, what you did with it was your business.

43things.com

So i just remembered something.

43things.com

Its how i started to flirt with her, basically.

She documented our progress in the relationship.

Good times, good times.

I wonder why we stopped doing it.

Well anyway, I'm starting up again, and everyone else should get one, too. :)

Squishy

Ha, fun times fun times.

Just reminiscing on my life after a half decent day.

Played some rock band.

Saw a play (couldn't understand what the hell was going on) and then I realized....

Most of the guys on the school drama team are gay, not kidding.

I'm not one to make fun of people with the term "gay." So you kinda know its authentic.

Lol, my friend Hannah was being a pain though, she says "Well, Shane, you've got a mighty big selection here."

You can't really respond to anything like that.

The picture is of me and devin on her fish eye camera she got a while back, something just made me want to put it up.

I guess cause I had a good day, and I remember that I used to have a good day with her, playing rockband, going to the field, spraypainting, taking pictures with her fisheye camera, her lensbaby, and that other one with the four frames.

All in all, I'm just waiting for that happiness to come back, nothin beats a fish eye camera on a sunny day, or any day for that matter, and i'm glad she's gettin a lens for her D-80 to make new memories.

I dreamed a dream...

in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
But the tigers come out at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they tear your dreams to shame

She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But she was gone when autumn came

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream i dreamed


Why won't you just remember my love?
I know this song means something to you and its amazing how its so easily applied to my life.
You killed the dream I dreamed, we were two atoms in a molecule, and i'm sorry the thread has become undone.
I'll be here to tie that knot at both ends, sure we may tangle sometimes, may have disagreements, but the knots are there.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you, I tried my best to be your best, I tried to fix it, but i was too late, I'm sorry.

I took your hand in mine and while pressing my finger into your palm i brought your hand to my heart, and thats where you will forever stay.

lookin kinda normal =D

So I'm sitting at work.

Pealing price tags off of drum sticks to put new stickers on.

Everything seems o.k.

That spirit of torment is no more.

Have you ever listened to Dane Cook? Remember the one where the guy is just like "Screw meeting girls, I just want to dance."

I kinda feel that way, only not to dance just to dance, but to dance to celebrate.

Life's looking good.

I refuse

to react,

to be that crazy person last month,

to cry,

to just move past this like it was only a bad day,

to give up,

to run away,

to give up on love.




I'm an extremely patient person. If life were a staring contest, I can beat Chuck Norris even if he can clog a toilet with his piss.

I'm not going to let emotion get the better of me, that crazy person last month isn't coming back, no more doors are going to have holes through them, nor any walls. Metal cabinets aren't going to have any dents.

I'm waiting, I will always be waiting. The love still outweighs the hurt.

whats up?

So i have heart medication now.

It makes it so my heart rate can't go up.

So technically I can't have a full panic attack thing.

I'm super depressed again.

I thought this would work out, but I feel lied to.

Should I?

Anxiety

Everytime I hear a song, see a picture, smell a firmiliar scent. The memories flood me. Then the pain starts as I clutch my chest and my heart speeds up.

I'm gasping for air, this isn't a metaphor.

Dear God, [A7X]

A pretty nice song, not sure if it makes me happy or sad, though.

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Hope is hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Good memmories

Some harmless things that made me smile when I thought about the past.

I remember Her telling me that her friends were pissed cause my plane was late.

I remember the first time I kissed Her, it was french, she said she liked it, but was shocked. lol

I remember the first time we held hands in front of my parents at the roller skating place. (the next day i find out my dad is dying from cancer)

I remember inviting her over to play guitar hero before we started dating lol.

I remember dancing with her in her basement to practice for homecoming.

I remember her playing drums, while i played guitar

I remember her drums lessons and how she'd always tell me to slow it down and i wouldn't lol.

I remember her random food ideas, like honey on a biscuit, and buttery/sugary rice

I remember how her parents said we couldn't see each other on tuesdays and thursdays because we were getting too attached.

I remember feeling her against me, and how her touch sent me over the edge.

I remember screwing up and her reasurring me that it was ok.

I remember Mr. Sprinkles and her obsession with not mixing ice cream.

I remember the 5k and how I actually enjoyed running it.

I remember Panera Bread and how we'd go there whenever we were in roanoke.

I remember before Prom we went to panera bread, and the lady wanted to give us two giant straws because we were so cute together.

I REMEMBER going out in the middle of the night in Millbury, massachusetts with my cousins and going on the lake to go swimming.... it was dark.

I remember hannah's advice to her "you can't ride two horses with one ass."

I remember working at wendy's and having her run up and give me a rose and kissing me and running away.

Watching Taladega Nights, on her nana's birthday.

I remember playing banana grams on her floor.

I remember introducing her to jen (that's just funny in itself).

I remember sneaking off to go see Norbit, when we were supposed to stay with Jen.

I remember Nashville, and how she tried to give me one of those kind of uncomfortable, "i dont know if you like me" hugs. Then I looked at her and said "Oh, come on now, a real hug," and I wrapped my arms around her and she smiled.

I remember my mom saying "You better treat her like gold!" when she found out that Devin was her boss's daughter.

I remember running up to her when she went to my school, and hug her. Then I'd leave a note in her pocket without her noticing, so she could find it later.

I remember walking through her field in the cold, and then stopping at the edge and just holding each other, while i lost feeling in my nose.

I remember the ice storm, and how it layered the trees, and how she was so excited by its beauty, i could only help but smile.

I remember saying "If we were older, I would've proposed by now." And how she was so excited I had said that.

I remember the first talent show with her, and how she said I should've been in it, and also how she said,"Everyone would ask, Who's that amazing musician on stage? and I would say, Oh he's my boyfriend. And then you would here gasps, and the fainting of women." lol

I remember, yippees, woohoos, gongs, pokes, and "." s

I remember when we first started getting comfortable kissing, we'd rub our noses together as we smiled and looked into each other's eyes.

I remember our small arguments, but I also remember how much better we'd be afterwards.

I remember taking her to my church, sitting on her lap, and then freaking out when her cell phone went off in her pocket.

I remember Chinese food.

I remember watching "That 70's Show"

I remember her rubbing my dad's feet as he lay there in his hospital bed, I know he loved her like a daughter.

I remember her holding me until I stopped crying over my dad and my dog.

I remember her saying, "Would you be offended if we got married, and I never cooked you meat?"

I remember that big fight between me and her mom on driving, and then her mom came downstairs as I was holding devin, and said,"Hey, Shane, what are you doing Monday? Want to go to Emerald Pointe with us?" I said, "I'm not doing anything and sure," with a confused face..... moments later she comes down again, "Oh, by the way, this has nothing to do with the fight earlier..." devin just says "suuree...." to me

I remember going outside and helping her paint that giant robot on the sheet.

I remember her trying to help me move my "Birthday Door" to my house.... My trunk wouldn't stay closed.

I remember sitting on the leopard print couch, while she tried on homecoming dresses.

I remember being stunned when she came out looking so beautiful.

I remember how the 4th of July always signaled half a year of being together.

I remember her obsession with taking 7 bazillion photos of an event.

I remember her taking my hand and placing it on her heart, then before she can say anything, i grab hers and do the same, and we both tell each other we'll always be there.

I remember her randomly dancing all crazy at her house.

I remember sitting on the back of my car looking at the sky after prom.

I remember her nibbling on my neck and how it gave me chills.

I remember that time she bit me and we had to tell her parents mack accidentally clawed my neck.

I remember Boston, walking around after being lost for 3 hours.

I remember Kill Devil Hills, and how the tube made me flip over in the ocean.

I remember saving her from that bee on the pig river ramble.

I remember her dragging me to the movies and paying because i never had money because i was the chauffeur

I remember her creativity.

I remember her love.

Ignorance Is Bliss

....But, too bad I lack in such things.

I wish I could be more ignorant. Oblivious to all around me. That would make life so much easier... (at least emotionally)

Weird things are going on, I haven't taken a normal breath in the past month... I have to gasp to feel like I'm getting the necessary amount of oxygen in my system, as if I'm constantly hyper-ventilating.

I'm still in the process of filling out my Berklee application, but I also need to come up with an audition piece. This is the only college I'm interested in, but as everyone knows, i'm not a really confident person... so, I'm gonna have issues with the audition.

I realized that, well, nothing is ever going to be the same. Devin, Mack, and I, will probably never be friends with each other at the same time again. I've done my part to start the healing process, but now the ball's in their courts... I still love her, but that's not going to change anything.

Like i said, i wish i could just be ignorant to the world. Ironically enough I'd probably be happier in my own little oblivion.

Marketing

I'm sitting in marketing, and considering i have nothing better to do, here are some quotes......

"Loose coin" -dev

"Oh! Shane! Guess what I figured out..... Corn is both singular AND plural." -dev... lol

"Bitch, don't yell at my mother" -mom (funny in itself)

"Toe knuckle" -forgot

"Strobe light man and Epilepsy boy!" -mack got it from somewhere

"Garden hose, the other white meat" -forgot

"How did you get a date like that!?!?" -Chris Shockley

"CANADA DOESN'T EXIST!" -me in gov't class

"PIAMP" -me

"Man, JFK was a pimp" -Aaron

"We don't use "red words" in here" -Mrs. Keck, apparently "shut-up" is a "red word"

"Wow, shane i wish you could stay home so i could take devin." -Dad... lol

"Erin, there's a ship in the back, come on, we have to blow it up!" -Dad high on morphine

"By the way, don't tell your mother" -Dad (after he told me to throw a fire cracker, and it blew up in my hand)

"You threw it wrong...." -Dad, yet again

more to come.......

What's wrong now?

I see her saying she loves him, she probably does. I'm happy she's happy, but i still love her and it still hurts.

The world just seems to be spinning around me, and quite frankly i just don't give a damn. Like feelings and emotions are now void in my own central being. So I'll just sit here and play guitar, writing songs about my feelings which are non-existent. I'm definitely no lyricist, but I'm pretty good at portraying emotions through chordal structures, rhythms, riffs, and progressions.

There's this one song i wrote, that if i listen to, it actually drains me emotionally. Its as if someone is sucking the happy and ignorance out of me. But i still listen to it, because it still sounds nice.

I want to affect the world with music. Have them feel my feelings, and relate to them. I want to influence people to help their fellow man.

No matter who stabs you in the back, who holds your hand, who kisses you goodnight, they can't always be there for you. Music and feelings are always there. A world without music.... I could only imagine how horrible that would be.

Just Thinking

Well, hopefully all this mess that's been going on will work out.

I've been sick for the past couple days, so I've just been sitting at home taking care of my new puppy, Piper..... She kinda surprises me, cause she's like a foot and a half tall and has an adult voice, plus she's almost completely black, kinda cool, and kinda scary.

Yup, that's basically what my day has been brought to; taking care of the puppy, and playing guitar.

Speaking of guitar I've come up with another few chorus sounding riffs/chord progressions... I'm getting better at those.

That's basically it, nothing else I really feel like going into. I don't want to mess up my chance to gain back a good friends friendship.