lookin kinda normal =D

So I'm sitting at work.

Pealing price tags off of drum sticks to put new stickers on.

Everything seems o.k.

That spirit of torment is no more.

Have you ever listened to Dane Cook? Remember the one where the guy is just like "Screw meeting girls, I just want to dance."

I kinda feel that way, only not to dance just to dance, but to dance to celebrate.

Life's looking good.

I refuse

to react,

to be that crazy person last month,

to cry,

to just move past this like it was only a bad day,

to give up,

to run away,

to give up on love.




I'm an extremely patient person. If life were a staring contest, I can beat Chuck Norris even if he can clog a toilet with his piss.

I'm not going to let emotion get the better of me, that crazy person last month isn't coming back, no more doors are going to have holes through them, nor any walls. Metal cabinets aren't going to have any dents.

I'm waiting, I will always be waiting. The love still outweighs the hurt.

whats up?

So i have heart medication now.

It makes it so my heart rate can't go up.

So technically I can't have a full panic attack thing.

I'm super depressed again.

I thought this would work out, but I feel lied to.

Should I?

Anxiety

Everytime I hear a song, see a picture, smell a firmiliar scent. The memories flood me. Then the pain starts as I clutch my chest and my heart speeds up.

I'm gasping for air, this isn't a metaphor.

Dear God, [A7X]

A pretty nice song, not sure if it makes me happy or sad, though.

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Hope is hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Good memmories

Some harmless things that made me smile when I thought about the past.

I remember Her telling me that her friends were pissed cause my plane was late.

I remember the first time I kissed Her, it was french, she said she liked it, but was shocked. lol

I remember the first time we held hands in front of my parents at the roller skating place. (the next day i find out my dad is dying from cancer)

I remember inviting her over to play guitar hero before we started dating lol.

I remember dancing with her in her basement to practice for homecoming.

I remember her playing drums, while i played guitar

I remember her drums lessons and how she'd always tell me to slow it down and i wouldn't lol.

I remember her random food ideas, like honey on a biscuit, and buttery/sugary rice

I remember how her parents said we couldn't see each other on tuesdays and thursdays because we were getting too attached.

I remember feeling her against me, and how her touch sent me over the edge.

I remember screwing up and her reasurring me that it was ok.

I remember Mr. Sprinkles and her obsession with not mixing ice cream.

I remember the 5k and how I actually enjoyed running it.

I remember Panera Bread and how we'd go there whenever we were in roanoke.

I remember before Prom we went to panera bread, and the lady wanted to give us two giant straws because we were so cute together.

I REMEMBER going out in the middle of the night in Millbury, massachusetts with my cousins and going on the lake to go swimming.... it was dark.

I remember hannah's advice to her "you can't ride two horses with one ass."

I remember working at wendy's and having her run up and give me a rose and kissing me and running away.

Watching Taladega Nights, on her nana's birthday.

I remember playing banana grams on her floor.

I remember introducing her to jen (that's just funny in itself).

I remember sneaking off to go see Norbit, when we were supposed to stay with Jen.

I remember Nashville, and how she tried to give me one of those kind of uncomfortable, "i dont know if you like me" hugs. Then I looked at her and said "Oh, come on now, a real hug," and I wrapped my arms around her and she smiled.

I remember my mom saying "You better treat her like gold!" when she found out that Devin was her boss's daughter.

I remember running up to her when she went to my school, and hug her. Then I'd leave a note in her pocket without her noticing, so she could find it later.

I remember walking through her field in the cold, and then stopping at the edge and just holding each other, while i lost feeling in my nose.

I remember the ice storm, and how it layered the trees, and how she was so excited by its beauty, i could only help but smile.

I remember saying "If we were older, I would've proposed by now." And how she was so excited I had said that.

I remember the first talent show with her, and how she said I should've been in it, and also how she said,"Everyone would ask, Who's that amazing musician on stage? and I would say, Oh he's my boyfriend. And then you would here gasps, and the fainting of women." lol

I remember, yippees, woohoos, gongs, pokes, and "." s

I remember when we first started getting comfortable kissing, we'd rub our noses together as we smiled and looked into each other's eyes.

I remember our small arguments, but I also remember how much better we'd be afterwards.

I remember taking her to my church, sitting on her lap, and then freaking out when her cell phone went off in her pocket.

I remember Chinese food.

I remember watching "That 70's Show"

I remember her rubbing my dad's feet as he lay there in his hospital bed, I know he loved her like a daughter.

I remember her holding me until I stopped crying over my dad and my dog.

I remember her saying, "Would you be offended if we got married, and I never cooked you meat?"

I remember that big fight between me and her mom on driving, and then her mom came downstairs as I was holding devin, and said,"Hey, Shane, what are you doing Monday? Want to go to Emerald Pointe with us?" I said, "I'm not doing anything and sure," with a confused face..... moments later she comes down again, "Oh, by the way, this has nothing to do with the fight earlier..." devin just says "suuree...." to me

I remember going outside and helping her paint that giant robot on the sheet.

I remember her trying to help me move my "Birthday Door" to my house.... My trunk wouldn't stay closed.

I remember sitting on the leopard print couch, while she tried on homecoming dresses.

I remember being stunned when she came out looking so beautiful.

I remember how the 4th of July always signaled half a year of being together.

I remember her obsession with taking 7 bazillion photos of an event.

I remember her taking my hand and placing it on her heart, then before she can say anything, i grab hers and do the same, and we both tell each other we'll always be there.

I remember her randomly dancing all crazy at her house.

I remember sitting on the back of my car looking at the sky after prom.

I remember her nibbling on my neck and how it gave me chills.

I remember that time she bit me and we had to tell her parents mack accidentally clawed my neck.

I remember Boston, walking around after being lost for 3 hours.

I remember Kill Devil Hills, and how the tube made me flip over in the ocean.

I remember saving her from that bee on the pig river ramble.

I remember her dragging me to the movies and paying because i never had money because i was the chauffeur

I remember her creativity.

I remember her love.

Ignorance Is Bliss

....But, too bad I lack in such things.

I wish I could be more ignorant. Oblivious to all around me. That would make life so much easier... (at least emotionally)

Weird things are going on, I haven't taken a normal breath in the past month... I have to gasp to feel like I'm getting the necessary amount of oxygen in my system, as if I'm constantly hyper-ventilating.

I'm still in the process of filling out my Berklee application, but I also need to come up with an audition piece. This is the only college I'm interested in, but as everyone knows, i'm not a really confident person... so, I'm gonna have issues with the audition.

I realized that, well, nothing is ever going to be the same. Devin, Mack, and I, will probably never be friends with each other at the same time again. I've done my part to start the healing process, but now the ball's in their courts... I still love her, but that's not going to change anything.

Like i said, i wish i could just be ignorant to the world. Ironically enough I'd probably be happier in my own little oblivion.

Marketing

I'm sitting in marketing, and considering i have nothing better to do, here are some quotes......

"Loose coin" -dev

"Oh! Shane! Guess what I figured out..... Corn is both singular AND plural." -dev... lol

"Bitch, don't yell at my mother" -mom (funny in itself)

"Toe knuckle" -forgot

"Strobe light man and Epilepsy boy!" -mack got it from somewhere

"Garden hose, the other white meat" -forgot

"How did you get a date like that!?!?" -Chris Shockley

"CANADA DOESN'T EXIST!" -me in gov't class

"PIAMP" -me

"Man, JFK was a pimp" -Aaron

"We don't use "red words" in here" -Mrs. Keck, apparently "shut-up" is a "red word"

"Wow, shane i wish you could stay home so i could take devin." -Dad... lol

"Erin, there's a ship in the back, come on, we have to blow it up!" -Dad high on morphine

"By the way, don't tell your mother" -Dad (after he told me to throw a fire cracker, and it blew up in my hand)

"You threw it wrong...." -Dad, yet again

more to come.......

What's wrong now?

I see her saying she loves him, she probably does. I'm happy she's happy, but i still love her and it still hurts.

The world just seems to be spinning around me, and quite frankly i just don't give a damn. Like feelings and emotions are now void in my own central being. So I'll just sit here and play guitar, writing songs about my feelings which are non-existent. I'm definitely no lyricist, but I'm pretty good at portraying emotions through chordal structures, rhythms, riffs, and progressions.

There's this one song i wrote, that if i listen to, it actually drains me emotionally. Its as if someone is sucking the happy and ignorance out of me. But i still listen to it, because it still sounds nice.

I want to affect the world with music. Have them feel my feelings, and relate to them. I want to influence people to help their fellow man.

No matter who stabs you in the back, who holds your hand, who kisses you goodnight, they can't always be there for you. Music and feelings are always there. A world without music.... I could only imagine how horrible that would be.

Just Thinking

Well, hopefully all this mess that's been going on will work out.

I've been sick for the past couple days, so I've just been sitting at home taking care of my new puppy, Piper..... She kinda surprises me, cause she's like a foot and a half tall and has an adult voice, plus she's almost completely black, kinda cool, and kinda scary.

Yup, that's basically what my day has been brought to; taking care of the puppy, and playing guitar.

Speaking of guitar I've come up with another few chorus sounding riffs/chord progressions... I'm getting better at those.

That's basically it, nothing else I really feel like going into. I don't want to mess up my chance to gain back a good friends friendship.